Mind of Bakura
by Saint H
Summary: Rip off of Mind of Mencia and The Chappelle Show, features Bakura as the insane host, Atemu and Marik as Rockstars, MalikRyou gayness, Bill Clinton, some lime for good measure, and a lot of minor drug use. Not for kids.
1. Pilot

_Title: Mind of Bakura_

_Rated: R_

_Summary: Rip off of Mind of Mencia and The Chappelle Show, features Bakura as the insane host, Atemu and Marik as Rockstars, Malik/Ryou gayness, Bill Clinton, some lime for good measure, mad crossovers, and a lot of minor drug use. Not for kids._

**Episode 1**

A couple of Egyptians were sitting around in front of a white background playing the traditional, 'Na na na nana nana nana na' tune.

Bakura **(Egyptian Bakura, y'know, tan with the scar on his cheek)** walks onto the scene in his black trenchcoat. He looks calmly at the Egyptians and then pulls a butcher knife out of his coat.

**_"DIE BYZATCHEX!"_** Bakura yells as he pounces on one of them, and starts stabbing and slicing him up.

"WTF?"

"THAT DUDES CRAZY!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFES!" the other guys scream before running off stage.

Bakura stands up, drenched in blood and organs, frowns and says to the camera, "I'm not some stereotypical piece of shyt! Here's the theme song, punks!"

_**H**_-(official Saint H page break) 

Atemu **(also Egyptian)** and Marik both have electric six string guitar. They standing in front of a corner that has hookers on it.

"He's Bakura!"

"He's fucking nutz!"

"He likes to kill people!"

"And hang out with slutz!"

**"IT'S THE MIND OF BAKURA!"**

**_H_**

Bakura walks out onto the floor from backstage, wiping blood off his shirt. The crowd cheers and applauds.

"Hi everybody its-"

_"Take my Virginity Kura-Chan!"_

_"We Love you Kura-chan!" _

"_Take my daughters virginity Kura-Chan!"_

Bakura just stood there, smiling and waiting for the applause to die down.

When they finally did die down Bakura brought the microphone up to his lips with a grin, "Wow, y'know I think I'll take some of you up on your offers." he smiled devilishly.

"Do me up the ass Bakura!" Honda yelled from the crowd.

"No." he responded.

"Alright well, first I'd like to get the whole series started by clearing up some stereotypes about different races." Bakura started, "White guys always talk about how big their dicks are right? And the blacks always say once you do black you never go back. Well I decided to send a team of Cockologists to find out which race has the biggest penis. What they come up with was this chart." Bakura says as a couple guys in lab coats wheel a chart out from backstage.

It has three dicks on it, going up to certain heights.

"Alright now the little yellow dick is the Asians, and it turns out that they're the smallest, on average they have about two inches of hot dick to offer to you ladies. The white dick is obviously the white man and they fall in the middle, on average they've got about six inches. And the black dick averages at about eight inches."

The black people in the crowd 'holla' their approval. Asians guys, including Yuugi, Jou, and Honda, put bags over their heads, and white guys just sit there and smile like retards.

"But wait, wait, there is one more but we couldn't fit it on the chart with the others, lets show em that one."

A few more guys in lab coats wheel out a humongous tan dick and place it by the chart.

"As it turns out we Egyptians have the biggest dicks. The average Egyptian cock is about seven stories high." he said, a maniacle grin on his face.

Everyone roars with laughter, Atemu and Marik just nod.

After the laughter dies down a british voice just says, "It's true." Everyone looks over to see Ryou sitting on Malik's lap.

Audience: (O.O'')

Bakura just coughs and says, "I swear that isn't my aibou."

"Anyway, here on the Mind of Bakura we like to do live skits as well as previously taped ones. What about you ask? Well, mostly about other anime, western cartoons, and just dumb stuff that happens in real life. So here's our first skit." the Tomb Robber says, pointing to the screen.

**_H_**

Bakura, dress in an Inuyasha costume, is walking along with Marik, dressed as Kagome, and they seem to be talking about something.

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Marik mumbled.

"Hey, quit whining, you're on T.V." Bakura mumbled back.

"_Dressed as a schoolgirl!_" Marik hissed.

"Hey, look on the bright side, maybe Anzu will get horny seeing you dressed like that." Bakura suggested.

"Really, you think?"

"No."

"FOLLOW THE SCRIPT YOU IDIOTS!" the stage hand yelled at the two.

They blinked once, and then sent to him the Shadow Realm.

"Ok, he's right though, lets get to it."

"Oh ok."

Bakura stepped into quicksand, "Ah crap, I've stepped in quick sand. Yo Kagome help a broha out."

Marik started squealing in a high girly voice, "INUYASHA!"

"What?"

"INUYASHA!"

"Hey, there's no need to yell, it's just quicksand, just give me your hand and pull me out."

"INUYASHA!"

"DUMB BITCH STOP YELLING MY NAME!"

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAthisisaneastereggleavetheunderlinedtextinyourreviewforafabulousprizeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

_**H**_

Bakura just looked at the camera and shrugged. The crowd applauded.

"But that's not even what weirds me out the most about that show." Bakura began, "It's that Sesshomaru guy. First of all he wears makeup, and secondly, he's a pedophile! Y'know he screws that little Rin bitch all the time!"

"I do not." Sesshomaru stood up from the crowd and gave Bakura the **DEATH GLARE OF DOOOOOOOM!**

"I bet you do." Bakura responded.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Why are you denying our love, Lord Sesshomaru?" Rin said dressed in a slutty hooker outfit, standing up and hugging his leg.

Sesshomaru just blushed and sat down.

Bakura sneered, "Do too. HAH! I win byzatchex!"

Anyway, we'll be back with more right after this commercial break!

_**H**_

Warning: The following commercial contains adult material not suitable for children.

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See Edward Elric and Roy Mustang baring it all and going totally crazy for our cameras!

_(insert scene of Ed and Roy having butt sex here)_

You won't find this Hot Alchemist Action anywhere else!

Call now at 1-800-HOTALCHEMISTTITSJUSTFORYOU!

_**H**_

"Alright, now for my favorite part of the show, _"This isn't Fucking News!"_" Bakura said, pointing to the screen.

"This is a prime example of what isn't news."

A news-women for CNN is speaking, _"Some New York High Schoolers may be feeling a bit heartbroken this weekend because their Prom has been cancelled."_

Bakura just stands there with an open mouth. The crowd laughs.

"No! No! Don't applauded, this isn't funny, it's awful! And you guys think this is a joke! It isn't! All you net goers reading this fic, this was actually on the news! The author isn't just making this shyt up! Lets see that again!"

"… _their Prom has been cancelled."_

Bakura: (-.-)

"This is fucking CNN! Why do we give a flying flaming fuck about their Prom? Why?" Bakura sighs.

Crowd still laughing.

"Anyway, this is what should have been on the news."

A video of Jou naked in bed with Shizaku, also naked, both of them smoking cigarettes is shown on the screen.

_"EWWWWWWW!"_ one audience member yelled. 

"_FUCKING SICK!" _said another.

"_Mmmm incest. Wait, wait I mean, OH GROSS!"_ Atemu said.

"That's right everybody, you saw it here first," Bakura started, "Jounouchi Katsuya and his sister love the incest. That's our show for today, go fuck a sheep!"

Atemu and Marik played a hard rock song and the crowd cheered as Bakura walked backstage.

* * *

_Saint H's Authors Notes:_

Well, if I get some reviews I'll keep this up, because honestly I really like this idea. So review, tell me what you think. I might even have Bakura respond to some reviews if I have reason to. So do like Bakura said, go fuck a sheep. Good night.


	2. Pokedouche

Kaworu stood up from the bath, "What I'm trying to say, Shinji, is, I love you."

Bakura(as opposed to Shinji) looked up and bluntly stated, "Dude, no matter what all those fanfictions say, I'm not gay."

Kaworu smiled, "Really? Me neither! I'm just a friendly kinda guy."

Bakura perked up, "For real? That's awesome! Wanna got get some tacos?"

"Do I?" Kaworu said excitedly.

"So, didja know I'm the spirit of an ancient Egyptian thief?"

"That's nothing, I'm an angel."

* * *

Atemu and Marik both have electric six string guitars. They're standing in front of a corner that has hookers on it. They sing:

"He's Bakura!"

"He's fucking nutz!"

"He likes to kill people!"

"And hang out with slutz!"

"**IT'S THE MIND OF BAKURA!"**

* * *

Bakura walks out to applause, cat calls, and more than a few flying panties. 

"Marry me Bakura!" Naru Narusegawa yelled, lifting up her shirt.

"No! Marry me Kura-chan!" Alphonse Elric said, lifting up his front plate of armor.

Nearby Anzu put a couple fives in Alphonse's belt for the peep show.

"Okay, now for our sexond show, I would like to take the time to ask you all a question." Bakura states.

The audience nods and murmurs their approval.

Bakura smiles a wicked smile, "What's dumb, redundant, cancer causing, and seems to go on forever?"

One audience member stands up to guess, _"Uhhh… The Simpsons?"_

"_No! George Bush's constant grammatical suckage!"_ says another.

"_My sexual organ!"_ Katsuya yells from his seat.

Bakura eyes him, "Well Mutt it's dumb, redundant, and cancer causing anyway."

And there was much laughter.

Bakura starts up again, "Well people, the answer is the fucking scourge of television…. Pokemon!"

"_I heard that!"_

"_Dang skippy!"_

"_Fuckin' right, I hate that show!"_

Bakura looks up in the audience at the person who made that last comment, grabbing the mic with an evil sneer he points out to the audience member with an air of disbelief, "Wait, Ash? Ash Ketcham? Shouldn't you be supporting your own show?"

Ash stands up in the audience, he has a five 'o clock shadow and a can of beer in one hand, with a slur he says angrily, "The Hell should I support that piece of shit? All it is is, 'Random-ass-pokemon-with-fucked-up-name, I choose you!' and 'Pika, pika pi!' More like pika penis! That's another thing! Have you noticed I haven't been laid in the entire show? Have you noticed that? Whenever they told me about this whole pokemon trainer thing they said there'd be pussy comin' at me left and right, but no! I'm so female depraved I've had to turn gay and have sex with Brock!"

Brock, sitting next to Ash, blushes and waves to the camera effeminately.

Admist the audience's laughter, applause, and general looks of shock, Bakura smiles, "I had no idea you felt that way."

"Oh, I got plenty more where that came from!" Ash says inebriated.

Quickly putting a hand up Bakura says, "Well, wait, you better save it for later in the show, Ash. Besides, right now we've got to pay some bills by going to a commercial break."

Bakura turns and sprints up to a camera, shoving his face in it, "DON'T GO NO WHERE HOME VIEWERS! MORE MIND OF BAKURA RIGHT AFTER THIS!"

* * *

_Are you tired of falling short of her expectations?_

Miroku looks at the screen and nods as Sango stomps off in the background.

_Are you tired of not making the grade?_

Miruko looks up at the screen after reaching climax way too early and nods.

_Can you just plain not pop her pussy like you could in the old days?_

Miroku nods at the screen again.

_Well have we got the answer for you!_

Miroku looks up at the screen with painfully faux hope, "Really? Tell me more!"

_Alchematax! Alchematax is the all natural, no side-effects tablet made by alchemists with completely unnatural materials! Straight from the garage of brilliant mind Mr. Bubba Chubbs "The Dick Growin' Alchemist", Alchematax will be sure to put the bang back in your buck! The Cash back in your Prizes and make sure your Ding-Dong-Doodle is Scrumdiddlyumptious! She'll think you're back in your prime after you roxxorz her boxxorz with Alchematax!_

Sango, on Miroku's arm, gives the screen a sultry look, "Prescriptions are one thing, Alchematax is totally different, plus it rocks my clit."

_Warning:Alchemataxmaycausesuchsideeffectsasnauseavomitingdiabetesdissinessprematureejaculationcancertuberculosisanddeath.Alsohereisanothereasteregg,putthewordschittychittybangbanginyourreviewforanotherfabulousprize. Alchemataxhasnotbeenclinicallyproventoimprovesexualperformanceinmales,infactithasbeenclinicallyproventodotheexactopposite. Donotbuy,take,orbenearAlchemataxatanytime._

_Alchematax, try our sample pack and if you're not completely satisfied send it back to Mr. Bubba Chubbs, "The Dick Growin' Alchemist" and he'll… probably not give a shit._

_Alchematax, buy yours today!_

* * *

Bakura, unaware that he's back on air, is talking with Brock, "So, wait, you're always tryin' to mack on Nurse Joy, and now here we find out you take the Dirty Sanchez from Ash, what's with that?" 

Brock smiles nervously and answers, "Well, I'm really more of a trisexual than anything."

Bakura raises a brow in confusion, "You mean bisexual? There's no such thing as trisexual."

Brock throws an effeminate wave of the wrist at Bakura, "Tch, puh-leeze. Trisexual _so_ exists. Girls, boys, and pokemon. _Duh_!"

Bakura's tan face turns a little green as he backs away from the trainer.

"_Hey 'Kura-bitch, you're on air!"_ Marik screams from his front row seat.

"Huh? Oh shit-ninnies! You're right! Ahem, welcome back, ladies and gentlecunts! We've got more of my disturbing mind ready for your viewing pleasure!"

The crowd cheers enthusiastically.

Bakura raises his hands to calm them down, "OK people, OK! It's time for some viewer mail! That's right, I, Bakura, will be answering some reviews from you, the viewers! First review!"

_Hey bakura kick tea's dumb ass for me- darthjag  
_

Bakura pulls out a hatchet and looks at Anzu menacingly.

She starts to shift nervously in her seat nervously, "Uh, H-Hey 'Kura-chan. What're ya doin' with that hatchet? You're not going to throw it at me are you? B-Because that wouldn't be the friendly thing to do, what with us being friendly friends and all."

"Sorry Anzu, well… OK, I'm not really sorry, but if I don't do this my ratings will go down."

"BUT 'KURA-" **THUNK!**

The crowd cheered.

"Freakin' Sweet!" Peter Griffin says as he jumps out of his seat near Anzu's, "I totally got that Japanese girl's blood on me! Oh and check it out, I got some brain on me too!"

"AAAH!" Anzu runs out of the studio, very much alive and untouched by the hatchet.

Peter and the rest of the audience looks after her, "Huh, if these aren't her brains on my shirt, then who's are they?"

Meg falls out of her chair, dead from hatchet-to-the-brain related injuries.

Peter sits back down in his seat with a sigh, "I guess we'll never know."

Bakura smiles into the mic, "OK people, settle down. I know it's good times but the show's almost up and we still have some stuff to do. OK, now in our last episode there was an Easter Egg that many of you managed to find and send into us here at the Mind of Bakura! We told you you would get a fabulous prize, and here it is! A strip tease!"

Bakura starts to dance and slide off his jacket as 70's porn music starts to play in the background.

The ladies in the crowd go wild.

"Oh wow Ryou, your yami is totally hawt, like, serious beef cake." Malik said to Ryou, sitting on his lap.

"Oh I know, I _so_ wish we still shared the same body!"

A naked Bill Clinton stood up from his seat, martini in hand, and saluted the stripping Bakura, "By God, that man's a patriot!"

The 70's music hit a skip and stopped playing as Bakura threw his jacket back on, "A strip tease… from Pegasus that is! MUWAHAHA!"

"**_NOOOO-OOO!"_** the audience screams in horror as the screen turns on to show the gruesome site.

_Warning: This is for those of you who found the Easter Egg… also, those who didn't find it are welcome too, I just felt like taking up extra space. Enjoy._

Pegasus slowly removes his jacket and shirt, giving a sultry look at the screen, "Oh yea, audience-boy, you know you want me."

Pegasus unbuttons his pants and throws them off to reveal a pink thong underneath.

"You want me _so_ bad!"

In one swift movement Pegasus throws the thong off and-

_BOING!_

An inflated Toon Summoned Skull balloon pops out of his groin area, confetti showering down with it as it deflates.

Pegasus grins at the camera, "Happy Valentines Day, everybody!"

* * *

Bakura looks at the screen as the audience sighs with relief at having not been subjected to the sight of Pegasus manhood. 

"Well bitches, we're almost out of time. As a matter of fact we've only got time for one more segment, my favorite one!"

_THIS ISN'T FUCKING NEWS!!!_

The crowd cheers frantically.

"Today in _This Isn't Fucking News_ we've got something here for you that was, in reality, all over the news networks."

_"Anna Nicole Smith died-"_

"Wait! Stop it right there… already don't care. Seriously, the only thing Anna Nicole was to the world was a pair of overgrown tits. That's it! She had no real redeeming values to make her death memorable! Besides she was highly responsible for her own death because she was too fucktarded to know that mixing drugs, beer, prescriptions, and slim fast was a _bad_ idea! We don't need this shitty news clogging up our day! Now here's something that's _real_ news and should be all over the networks, but isn't!"

_"Ben & Jerry's has named a new ice cream in honor of the comedian: "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream."_

"GENIUS! It's great! It's got two things everybody loves! Ice Cream and Stephen Colbert! C'mon, they even have a great tag line for it, "The Sweet Taste of Liberty in Your Mouth"! Who can resist that? I'll tell you who, someone who isn't me. Peace easy bitches, this show's ovah and I'ma go get some Americone Dream. Night."

Atemu and Marik play a hard rock song as the crowd cheers and Bakura walks backstage.


End file.
